I have no fear of dying (although, I'm no fan of physical suffering). I welcome what is next in what I feel is an ongoing "spiritual" journey. My main fear in dying is the pain and suffering it will have on my spouse and children.
Sometimes, I'm frozen with fear that my children will die prematurely...before what I feel is their time to fully enjoy and learn from the experiences of this physical dimension. Other times, I'm reminded that this physical life is not all there is; and so I pause and take a breath and try, best I can, to realize that their death isn't the worst case scenario. But having said that, I just don't know how a parent could possibly go on after the death of a child, even a young adult child. The saying goes, "No parent should have to outlive their child." Yet, many have and do.
I grew up thinking that falling in love, getting married, and having children was the goal of my life. Perhaps, that was, indeed, the goal of my life. That doesn't mean, at all, it's the goal of any other life. The goal of my child's life could very well be quite different than the goal of my life. I guess what I'm saying is that...should my child die before I'm ready for him to die, perhaps my child's goal has been accomplished and it's part of my soul's journey to come to terms with that. I don't know. I'm just sharing because I just don't know how anyone could ever come out "okay" on the other end of losing a child.
For me, there is nothing more excruciatingly beautiful or excruciatingly painful than a parent's love for their child. Sigh...I feel my journey was, in many ways, about parenthood. Pondering this current epidemic (pandemic) has forced me to consider that my child's journey is unique to him and to find peace with that. Even if a very challenging peace. As much as I'm okay with my own death, I need to be okay with my child's life, even if that life looks nothing like the life I lived.
March 19, 2020
(Featured artwork Happiness by Joep Buijs)
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